This post is about relationships. Since I reflected on how close relationships work, I’ll share some of my thoughts here. They are a bit sketchy – let’s see what you think.
Connection as a Starter
Let’s take a step back and look at what lies under relationships: connections. To have a relationship, we must connect. Let’s take this well-known topic and deconstruct it. What is a connection? Well, when two things (let’s say humans) link to one another. What does that involve? Vulnerability (at least a little). I think it’s impossible to connect when there is not at least a tiny bit of vulnerability. This is usually an interest for the other. Yes, that is also a vulnerability.
Ok, so not every connection converts into a relationship. Just the other day I had a random chat in my local cafe with a guy. Good talk. Forgot his name, haven’t seen him again and until now never thought of him again. Connection? Yes. Relationship? No. We agree so far on my little deconstruction exercise here, right?
Connection to Relationship
Ok, let’s now look at a connection that turns into a relationship. There’s a mum from the school community. She’s actually been around us for nearly 9 years and we used to be neighbours. Her son went to daycare and then to school with my daughter. We never talked and hardly acknowledged each other. Connection? Barely. Relationship? NO.
But she works at the surgery unit at the hospital. Since I was collecting miles on frequent surgeries, we got to talk on one of my surgery dates. Our interest in one another formed a connection and it was a nice chat. I asked her to have coffee with me. One coffee led to another coffee and now we have… should we call it a coffee relationship?
Relationships and Happiness
I believe that any relationship can only be happy/healthy when there is autonomy. We can decide to depend on each other for some time but in the end, we must be able to be able to live without the other if necessary. That enables us to step away from each other, breathe and then decide if we want to continue with the negotiations or the relationship altogether.
Relationships are based on negotiations and contracts. Contracts help us to not constantly negotiate the terms of our relationship. They define boundaries and – in closer relationships than my coffee one – include terms about chores and how to share in general. Are you still with me on that? Were you aware of the negotiations and contracts? I think kids show negotiations best: “Mummy, if I help you now, can I get an ice cream?” For adults it’s more subtle but the same deal.
Now, when these contracts are not voluntarily agreed upon by both sides but more a form of coercion, exhaustion, and desperation, they are not healthy. And not healthy means not happy. This usually happens when the underlying connection of the relationship is not working anymore because one or both parties don’t try to connect aka show interest in the other. When do you know that you connect, you ask? You can feel it. When you are with the other person and there is a flow. You feel open towards the other person.
I find that this flow/connection which forms and nurtures the relationship works best when both parties have autonomy. I see this as internal independence in which I’m ok when the negotiations fail and I have to walk away. When I know that I can find other ways. Isn’t that the best way to negotiate anyway? When you can say “no” because not everything depends on it. It is so much easier to say “yes” then because it is a choice. Choice offers control and feeling in control is a big happiness maker.
Too abstract? I leave it there though. Happy to discuss.