It’s school holidays – the time when kids are not occupied with school but hang out at home (unless it’s travel time or they are booked in vacation care). Time for a reflection on parenthood!
My kids are now 6 and 8 and I still cannot believe how fast time went. Just yesterday, I squeezed them out of me. They were these jellyfish without control over extremities or anything else other than their tongue and voice (screaming definitely worked very well). The first years were tough. Babies and then toddlers were always somewhere on me or demanding my attention. Being so dependent on the carer and taking little steps towards independence is a patience and energy challenge for parents and kids. But, hey, I didn’t get pregnant accidentally – I wanted this. Although I had no idea what I was getting into.
Some things get easier
Now that they can walk, talk, express wishes and emotions (to some extent) and wipe their own bottoms, I find many things easier. Of course, the problems don’t decrease but change. At least I can leave the room or go outside during an argument when I’m fuming. The increasing space between us gives me time to cool down and approach the argument or negotiation with less emotion.
Like most parents, I’m between two worlds – the world in which I have “freedom” to do what I want to do and the world in which little people depend on me and I need to look after their and my needs. The second world is demanding and offers little space but lots of connection and ideally love. After all, I didn’t get pregnant by accident. I wanted kids and isn’t it all about the connection with these little (increasingly less little) people?
Reflecting on the two worlds of parenthood
Since I’m divorced and share custody 50/50, I have both worlds fairly clearly defined. I have those times when I can think only about my dinner, watch Netflix until late, work without someone asking me a question every few minutes (and without feelings of guilt because I’m working instead of spending time with them), hear my own thoughts and spontaneously meet a friend in the evening. Then I have those times when I have to consider my kids’ wishes, moods, eating preferences, emotions and insecurities and have lots of patience and attention to help them learn, navigate the world and defend my boundaries. Sometimes my energy just lasts for exactly that including getting them to bed or school in time (not an easy task). However, I’ve become better at using the Anja-only world to refill energy tanks to have a bit extra in my parent world. With that bit of extra energy, it’s less of a struggle but becomes more playful. Suddenly, everything is easier and that connection with the little people isn’t draining me but refuels my energy resources. I need both worlds but so do they – the one with me and the one without me.
What’s the aim?
I try to always keep the aim in mind – being independent from each other but having a strong connection which makes spending time with and supporting each other enjoyable (great happiness marker). This strong connection is going to help with the transition into their adult life (still a bit away) and our ever-changing relationship. Dr Shefali Tsabary offered a lot of guidance with her conscious parenting concept. Interestingly, my job is not to make them happy. My job is to make myself happy so that they get a blueprint of how to do that for themselves. Embracing both worlds fully – the connection with myself through reflection and space and the connection with my children – has emerged as the best way to cater to my happiness. Approaching school holidays this way has offered me great ways to connect with my kids but also with myself – almost bringing both worlds together.
Can you relate?