This week was a bit chaotic because I’m travelling. I had several blog post drafts and a lot more ideas but I couldn’t get them finished. Interestingly, not because I didn’t have time. I did. But I couldn’t get myself to. Sounds like procrastination? Maybe.
So, what was going on? Well, I’m writing to you from Beijing Airport. I’m on my way from Sydney to Frankfurt. On my own. For 3 weeks and 6 days. Yes, I know that’s pretty much 4 weeks but I prefer the 3 which is why I booked this return flight. I wanted to be back with my kids in under 4 weeks.
From the beginning
In July, my ex went to Europe for a month without our kids (8 and 6) and I realised that I could do that too. I’ve always been travelling. It’s my thing. But since the kids entered our world and then COVID and cancer hit us, there hasn’t been much travelling. Once a year, we go to Germany to see family and friends and I’ve been to Melbourne a few times and went to conferences in Perth and Canberra last year. But compared to my previous travelling life, this is nothing.
For a few years around the kids’ births and cancer, I didn’t want to travel. That was interesting because I had ALWAYS wanted to travel. But I was so drained that it didn’t interest me anymore. So, when the travel bug crept back into my life, I welcomed it as a sign of things going uphill. But aside from a few days, I wouldn’t even consider leaving the kids for longer. Until my ex went on his trip.
The trip of my ex opened my horizon. We share custody 50/50 and the kids missed him but also went on with their lives. I saw that this would most likely be the same if I were away for a bit. Since an important family event in Germany was coming up in November, I made up my mind and created a savings plan. Then I started booking myself a trip to some new countries (I love collecting new countries on my travel list), extensive train rides to visit my friends and family across Europe (France, Denmark and Germany) and, of course, attending family event. It felt like the perfect trip and it made me so happy. I was looking forward to this for months and it fueled me.
But
When departure came closer, I had to deal with the separation emotions. They weren’t overwhelming at first. They crept up here and there which was fine. I could deal with them. Usually, they come in the form of the fear that something could happen to the kids. I breathed through it.
But a week before leaving, I was almost unable to do anything else (like writing a blog post despite having 2 almost finished drafts) than the necessary stuff. Other than in previous times, I just accepted that I couldn’t do much and allowed myself to go slow. I ditched my pre-trip to-do list and chilled as much as possible. I intentionally enjoyed the moments with the kids to soak it all in.
And now?
While sitting at Beijing Airport, I feel my energy returning. This is most obvious because I wrote this blog post not using any of my drafts but just exploring my feelings. I miss the kids but I’m also excited about my adventure and the feeling of freedom. This feeling is even greater because I have my kids to return to. I know they are safe with my ex and will just continue their lives just as they did when he was away. In other words, I don’t believe my trip will damage them.
I can allow myself some exploring; some following my dreams. Having this space for being me, I discovered again and again, is the best I can do for myself AND them. Because it makes me feel better, more complete. When I’m better, they are better. I assume that is because I’m more relaxed. I don’t sacrifice everything to take care of them. Allowing myself to be me, allows them also to be them. And isn’t that the main ingredient in happiness? So, I’ll enjoy my trip to the full extent, letting go of guilt and fear as much as I can and soaking up all the happy feelings this trip will bring me.
To filling up the happy tank!